logsville | from god that is our father, blessed angels came

Oh, stop that, you – foolish thing. Don’t worry about me, you’re the one who...

[Nearly died. That brings a fresh wave of tears and pulls at Aziraphale’s heart.

He sniffles, feeling stupid and pathetic and terribly small.]

Let me hold you. Can I? It’ll – it’ll warm you up quicker, for starters. And I want to. I want you close for a little while, if that’s... alright.

[A proper demon would sneer at him, laugh at the suggestion of being held, never mind by an angel. But Crowley's never been a particularly good demon, no matter how good he is at temptations.

Aziraphale is better at those, though. He's managed to land on the one thing that Crowley truly wants in this moment, offered it up to him on a platter. It's not as damning, as Crowley's temptations, not in the same sense.

But it'll hurt, when it's taken away, when they have to go back to pretending and lying to each other.]

Anything you'd like, angel.

[There's another truth that's gone unspoken until now.

Crowley draws back, but only so he can lie down properly, the blanket still wrapped around him as he gets as close to the far edge as he can, leaving room for Aziraphale in this stupid bed.

He didn't ask how Aziraphale wanted to hold him, but he thinks — like this will be better. If Aziraphale's tucked up against his back, he can hide his tears. It's what he'd want.]

This isn’t about me.

[In another time, in another place, Aziraphale might have been similarly terrified and said there is no us.

That’s not what he’s saying now, here.

He wriggles his way into the space Crowley’s left and there’s no hesitation, this time, in how he pulls Crowley into his embrace.

When he finally speaks again, his voice is close to a whisper.]

Soon. I can meet you where you are soon, if you don’t mind waiting a little longer.

[It's always about you are words that he's smart enough not to say, not if Aziraphale isn't ready for everything else. That's heavier than an admission of love.

Something in his chest shatters as he Aziraphale presses up against him, and while he manages to bite down on the sob, his chest shudders once before he forces himself to stillness, not wanting to scare him off.

This is the other advantage, of being held like this. His own emotions are hidden, between him and God, if She's watching.]

It isn't waiting, not really. You need to know that.

[Waiting implies expectation. He's never expected Aziraphale to openly love him, not when it's so dangerous for them both.

Just this, an arm around him and warm body pressed against him, is more than he ever thought he'd have. Whatever Aziraphale can give him is enough, as long as he doesn't leave.]

[The scared voice that lives in the back of Aziraphale’s mind is screaming at him right now, cursing and calling him unkind names for being so stupid, so reckless. Flirting was one thing – all the teasing over the centuries, the dancing around each other, that was fine. This, argues the voice, is not.

Imagine if either side found out. Imagine what they would do.

...to Crowley.

Aziraphale’s chest feels tight. He wants to press a kiss to Crowley’s hair, wants to apologize for every time they ever fought, wants to promise protection and safety – but he can’t promise that. And an apology like that seems empty, like it’d just be speaking for the sake of keeping any silence away. And he dare not touch any part of Crowley with his lips for fear that he won’t be able to stop.

He closes his eyes instead.]

Try to get some sleep. I’ve got you.

[Crowley knows, with a certainty that he loathes, that in a few hours he'll wake and Aziraphale will be gone. He'll find him in the living room, or in the kitchen, puttering over dinner. They won't talk about this again, likely not ever.

It was a one off, brought about by fear, by Aziraphale being reminded that Crowley can die here. It should make him angry, he could feel betrayed, or used, but it's a different kind of hurt than that. He can't blame Aziraphale for his fear, he's borne witness to exactly what happens when angels step out of line.

But Aziraphale could be gone, too. Stepped through a doorway into the pond, as he did. Or found some worse fate this town has cooked up. The thought terrifies him, but it makes him brave, too. Even knowing it will hurt them both.

The words sit on his tongue as he allows the warmth at his back to lull him towards sleep, letting them slip out just before he's dragged under.]

I love you.

[In response, whether Crowley notices or not, Aziraphale hugs him a fraction closer.

He meant it, when he said he wasn't ready — he even tries to form the words on his lips once Crowley's asleep, and they won't step out from where they've been hiding. It's true, though. That he does, too.

Maybe Crowley will understand that when he wakes to find Aziraphale is still there, still holding him, not quite awake but not quite asleep.

He knows what Crowley thought.

He's made a point of staying, this time.]

[It's an unsettled sleep that he falls into; in another life, these revelations may have come with relief or happiness, to be certain that Aziraphale loves him even if the words themselves remained unspoken. But he's exhausted and cold and scared, and sleep does little to alleviate those except the chill. Aziraphale is warm, chasing away the lingering cold.

When he wakes, it's to confusion, something of his dreams following him into consciousness, and the tangle of limbs both his own and others is surprising. It takes him a moment to realize that Aziraphale stayed with him, that he didn't slip out of the bed as soon as he fell asleep, as soon as it would've been safe to retreat.

He wants to turn to face him, but both uncertainty and the impracticality of it stop him from following the impulse.]

Angel?

[It's a quiet question, not wanting to disturb him if he's still asleep.

Maybe it was just an accident that he stayed, maybe he fell asleep before he could retreat.]

[Aziraphale makes a muffled sound of acknowledgement where his face is pressed against Crowley's shoulder.

Give him a second.]

'm here.

[He stirs slightly, half-worried one wrong move will send him over the side of this stupidly small bed, and sighs a quiet, I'm-awake-I-guess sigh.]

How're you feeling?

[His heart twists unpleasantly with fondness and something wistful. They have a fake life here, where Aziraphale could make grumbly sleep sounds at him every day for the rest of their lives. If only it were real.

He'd never really been jealous of humans, until now.]

Uh — [He isn't quite sure what to say, stumbling over his own stupid fantasies and his confusion over whether or not they're going to address the fact they're in bed together.] My hands hurt, but I'm warm.

[The cold was the more worrying thing.]

[Aziraphale's not thinking about that. He can't. This has to be real — even if it's temporary, it has to be real, or he's going to find an excuse to run again.]

Good. We'll give them a nice soak later and you'll be —

[He swallows a yawn. He's never been keen on sleep, but since his arrival here... he has to admit, there's something to be said for it.]

— good as new.

[This is worse than falling asleep earlier. It feels as if there's a live wire under his skin, everything too bright and sharp, his attention on every single spot that they're touching. Which is a lot of places, with how small the bloody bed is.]

Hope so, or I'll have to give up my dreams of being a pianist.

[He's proud of himself for sounding mostly normal, having fought past the strain in his voice.]

[It is rather different, Aziraphale also notices, now that they're just... here. Now that Crowley's mostly okay and doesn't need specific — er, tending to. Medically speaking.

He should get up. Not leave, just move.]

— surely you must be hungry?

Dunno, probably?

[Still muzzy from sleep and with his thoughts distracted by every other anxiety he's ever had, it doesn't quite register that Aziraphale might be looking for an excuse for them to move.]

Can never bloody tell, what hungry feels like.

[These bodies are strange, almost unfamiliar. He's spent so much of his time not bothering with hunger that it can be difficult to identify it, now.]

It's...

[It's a simple thing Crowley's asking, really. He means the physical sensation of hunger. The grumbling, empty stomach, the on-edge-ness of what humans call "hanger", the shakiness and lightheadedness in extreme cases. Hunger is simple to explain.

But Aziraphale's understanding of hunger is deeper and more philosophical than that. It's poetic. It's about want and need and satisfaction, and he finds himself blushing at the thought of putting any of that into words. He finds himself thinking of a collection of published letters he'd read once, exchanges between lovers, and one passage that has stuck with him through time:

My days are consumed by this impotent longing for you, and my nights are riddled with insufferable dreams... I want you. I want you hungrily, frenziedly, passionately. I am starving for you, if you must know it.

He needs to get out of this bed.

He shifts some, quietly clears his throat.]

What, hasn't your stomach growled yet?

[There's a stumble over words, movement behind him, and he worries that he's said the wrong thing, or perhaps it's just that Aziraphale is finally awake enough to realise how wrong it was, to climb into bed with a demon.

To admit to loving one.

He closes his eyes, grateful that the weary, hurt expression on his face is hidden, taking the time to gather himself so he can keep his voice light, unaffected.]

Is that what that's about? I thought I'd just upset it.

[If there's anything he's good at, it's pretending. With a sigh, he moves slightly, starting to loosen the blankets.]

You want to get up first? Spare a bit of my dignity?

[He hasn't forgotten that he's naked beneath the blankets, and while it was fine when he was half frozen and exhausted, now it just seems... awkward.]

[Somehow, Aziraphale had forgotten that Crowley is currently without clothing.

He... does not immediately move. Instead, he screws his eyes shut and says a prayer in his head and thinks of England.]

— right.

[He's up and on his feet and looking only slightly unsteady, which could easily be blamed on the sleepiness. His gaze drifts to the nightstand, where nearly a full pot of tea sits, now cold, and then back to Crowley.]

I'll fix you something warm. Maybe draw you a bath after, if you like. Meet me in the kitchen?

[As soon as Crowley has the bed to himself, he rolls onto his back with a groan, starting to stretch before the movement is quickly halted with a sharp inhale of breath, pain shooting through his calf.

Fuck, that hurts, but it's a distraction from the strange situation he's found himself in.]

Warm'd be good, so'd a bath. [He exhales shakily, scrubbing the back of his wrist over his eyes.] Meet you there in a bit.

[The space would likely do them both good.]

[Space. Yes. There’s certainly space between their bedroom and the kitchen, and once Aziraphale has made it that far, he puts one hand on his forehead and stares off into the middle distance like he’s just witnessed something explode.

Or –

Or like he just woke up in bed, next to Crowley, who nearly died, and who now knows Aziraphale loves him. Oh, and he loves Aziraphale too. Always has!

Aziraphale continues staring. His guts feel like they’ve been thrown into a blender and poured back into him. Sloppily, mind.

Really, the biggest surprise – to Aziraphale, anyway – is that he finally admitted it to himself. Six thousand years of repressing it, and it all came tumbling out in a matter of... what, minutes? He blinks, replays the events leading up to this, and his memory launches him back to the day they woke up together here. How he felt, seeing those fake photos the first time. How, in the midst of his disoriented panic, he was stung by envy – envy for this other version of himself, for humanity as a whole.

He decides to make eggs.]

Right.

[Crowley mutters the word to the ceiling above him as soon as he's alone in the room, staring up at nothing. This is — a thing. A thing that's happened.

A selfish part of him is tempted to simply go back to sleep, close his eyes and drift and maybe when he wakes up again this will somehow make sense. Or he'll be back at the Dowling's Estate, this whole experience having been some ridiculous dream brought on by too much whiskey. Aziraphale would likely forgive him, assume it was exhaustion, considering what happened.

But it's too cruel, even for a demon.

So he gets up, dresses slowly in sweatpants and a jumper, since he'd rather not deal with buttons or zips while his hands are in a state. After debating a moment, he adds socks to the ensemble, not wanting to get cold right now, then braces himself to head into the kitchen.

He's careful to make sound as he approaches, not wanting to startle Aziraphale, knowing he's likely a million miles away, lost in thought.]

Looks as if the snow's picked up again, might have to wait for tomorrow to go get the car.

[A perfectly normal conversation, between two people who didn't just admit loving each other for an unmeasurable amount of time.]

[He doesn’t know what he was expecting.

Aziraphale’s halfway through cracking a set of eggs to scramble when Crowley arrives in the kitchen, talking about his car. A piece of shell drops into the mix; he leaves it, and stays quiet for a moment, and keeps his eyes on his work.

He’s hurt. He doesn’t know what he was expecting, really, given their... situation. That they’re them. Innate enemies, or whatever. Fundamental opposites.]

If you want to reject me, you can just say it. I’d understand, it’s... it’d be perfectly understandable.

[Crowley blinks at him, taken aback by that response and utterly unsure what to do with it.]

Sorry, I — what were you expecting? [He doesn't mean to sound frustrated, but it happens despite best intentions, because he is, a little bit. He doesn't know what Aziraphale wants from him. There's no script for a half-given confession, one that can't be acted on.

It's why he never thought Aziraphale would have stayed, while he slept.] A good morning kiss?

[It's not even morning, they didn't sleep that long.]

Edited 2020-12-20 04:20 (UTC)

Wh– I– no! It’s – [He gestures at the clock, looking stupid.]

I’m not saying there ought to be, I don’t know, speeches, but – at least act like –

[Like what? Like he cares? Aziraphale knows he cares. Aziraphale knows Crowley, of course he’s going to talk about the car or the weather or literally anything else, but it seems that in this moment... Aziraphale has forgotten some key characteristics.]

– I have no idea what we’re supposed to do now, Crowley!

[There's a poorly hidden groan of frustration, but at least he stops himself from saying something nasty about the fact Aziraphale is the one who started all this.

He should've thought this part through, the aftermath. That's why they've never said it before, because it was always going to hurt like this.]

No, no, tell me how I should act now, angel. [It's so hard not to be frustrated and angry, not to listen to the awful, twisted thing inside him.] 'Cause I don't have a — a frame of reference for this. I'm not even supposed to be able to love, I thought She ripped it out of me, until you and your bloody I gave it away — [Somehow it still sounds unbearably fond, even while he's mocking him.] — and your wing over me.

[Because that's what did it, two small acts of kindness, one that wasn't even for him, but Crowley hadn't.... it had been a very long time, since anyone had been kind to him.]

If it's a speech you're after, you're going to be waiting a long time, 'cause I can't — fuck — [He stops, laughs humorlessly.] If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. Right?

[He scrubs a hand over his face, banishing any tears before they can fall.]

So just... tell me what you want from me, and it's yours. Tell me how to act, and I'll do it. You have to know that, surely.

[The rescues and the chocolates and the little miracles as favours.

Anywhere you want to go.

Aziraphale has to know that Crowley would do anything for him.]

Edited 2020-12-20 16:11 (UTC)

[Softly:] Crowley.

[Aziraphale's been knocked down several notches, his voice gone soft and quiet as he (somehow) has the sense to turn the burner off with the eggs half-done.

He reaches out, not taking Crowley's hand but making it very clear that he'd like to.]

I apologize. We're... equally clueless, I'm afraid, so we'll just have to figure it out together.

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